During my
season of singleness it was not uncommon to hear opinions, suggestions and
comments that were meant to be helpful.
The only problem is, I often found some of these remarks to be
irritating. Here is a list of them:
·
“You need to learn to be happy single.”
·
“There are worse things than being single.”
·
“Maybe you’re being too picky.”
·
“You know, some people are called to be single.”
·
“It will happen when you least expect it.”
·
“Are you praying specifically?”
Over the course of a few more
blog posts I will give my response to these remarks.
For today, I’m starting
with: “You need to learn to be happy single.” During my single years I confess to being
sorely tempted to respond to that remark with a good wallop! That remark was especially provoking when
married people spouted it out. I
remember an occasion when I was in my mid-thirties and the person making the
remark to me had married at age twenty-two and had been married several years. What did he know about years of being on one’s own?
And what exactly does “learn to be happy
single” mean? Does it mean I should feel
guilty about having the desire to be “attached to a spouse?” Is the person making the remark presuming
that I think my life is a total misery? Does
it mean I should squash my feelings and be a “Good Little Soldier in God’s
Army?”
Enough of the knee-jerk emotional
responses and some serious consideration of the “advise.”
Yes, there is the lie we, as
human beings, are prone to believe: “I can’t be happy unless I’m in love and
have a boy-friend or girl-friend/partner/spouse.” It is tied to the thought: “I have no value
as a person because no one has picked me.”
As a Christian I knew and
understood that loving and being loved must first be established in my
relationship with God—Father Son and Holy Spirit. Not only is joy to be found by spending time
with “The Three in One”, but also purpose, identity, and security.
Meditating on truth brings
revelation. As a human being who is made
in the image of God, fearfully and wonderfully knit together in my mother’s
womb, I am valuable.
Maybe “learning to be happy
single” means learning to love who I am; learning to know who I am apart from
other people. We tend to use expressions we heard our parents say. We might walk down the road and hear an
off-hand remark: “She is sure her father’s daughter.” True, there are aspects of my personality
that reflect him. Or someone else might say: “She cooks just like her Mama.” I am also my mother’s daughter. With that mix of both of them I am a unique
personality, able to think and act on my own dreams and desires.
It would be a fault if I saw
myself as only “The Barber’s Daughter”, or “Mommy’s Girl.” And if I wanted to be married because I
believed my true identity would only emerge when I became “Wife,” then there
would be room for admonishing to “learn to be happy single.”
I believe
each person is drawn to a purpose that motivates him/her in life. When actively pursuing or participating in
that activity, there is a sense of fulfilment that only comes from that
purpose. Purpose spurs and fuels creativity. God instils into His children a desire to perform
a skill/talent; when that happens, “I was born to do this” is the song that
sings in the heart.
When I write,
or sew or cook my heart thrives because I am investing in developing the
talents and skills which with God blessed me.
While I’m participating in the activity, there is a satisfying of mind
and soul that comes from nothing else and no one else. When I share the result, the satisfaction
deepens. For example, food tastes better
when it is shared.
Just as I can
long for companionship, I can and do also long for times of creating, “doing
what I was born to do.” Being with
others who share the passion stirs and inspires even more creativity. Living to fulfil purpose produces a deep
satisfaction that is from a relationship with one’s self. Perhaps this is another facet to the jewel of
“learning to be happy single”.
Security
carries with it, at least in part, the idea that “everything will turn out
okay.” There is no security in this
world. We can prepare for the future,
but trust has to be in God and His promises.
Citizens of Syria had education,
employment, homes, and businesses until the civil war broke out six year
ago. People who once felt their future
was secure are now refugees. We don’t
like to think so, but the same could happen to us. Severe weather could destroy our homes. An
accident could rob us of our heath and ability to work.
So, what does
security and “learning to be happy single” have to do with each other? God entered into a covenant with us, through
Christ Jesus. Our sense of security is
based on the knowledge that through Christ’s shed blood we have salvation. The foundation of covenant reminds us that if
we give all we have to our Heavenly Father, He will also give to us all that
pertains to life and Godliness. Real
security is resting in the peace of knowing that God is faithful to keep His
promises to us—even when we struggle to remain faithful to Him.
Maybe well-meaning people were trying to tell
me that I didn’t need to be married to be happy. Fair enough.
But maybe they needed to understand that I needed to vent about
loneliness. And maybe they needed to
understand that embracing single life is a process, a journey. And maybe, they should have understood that
when “complaining” about the disappointment of not being married, it didn’t
mean I wasn’t content with while I was single.
There is the possibility that “learning
to be happy single” means choosing to live with joy, accepting myself—strengths
and faults, while I wait for God to fulfil the desires of my heart in His time.
Serving
Jesus, Author of our faith,
“Lady Helene”
