Singlensss Part Four

The Lesson I Needed To Learn

“And you shall [earnestly]remember all the way which the Lord your God led you these forty years in the wilderness, to humble you and to prove you, to know what was in your [mind and] heart, whether you would keep His commandments or not.  And He humbled you and allow you to hunger and fed you with manna, which you did not know nor did your fathers know, that He might make you recognize and personally know that man does not live by bread only, but man lives by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of the Lord.” Deuteronomy 8:2-3

        

       When I read that verse this morning, it confirmed that the next thing I needed/wanted to share about was one of the lessons I needed to learn about trust and provision.

      

As I mentioned in an earlier post, one of the things I wanted to do prior to getting married was to have the experience of living on my own for at least six months to a year.

          As an older teen, I remember discussing independence and responsibility with my parents.  These conversations were usually around the dinner table in the evening.  

          The conversations may have sounded something like this:

Dad: “Sis, you should know how to take care of yourself, even if you do get married.  Something could happen to your husband and then you would have to pay the bills, take care of your home and everything else involved with that.”

Me:  “What do you mean about something happening to my husband?”

Dad:  “If your husband is in the military, he might be sent out on TDY (Temporary Duty Assignment) for three to six months.  You’d be left ‘holding the fort’.  Or, you husband might be in an accident where he would be unable to work again, so you’d have to be the one who earned enough to pay the bills.  Or you might find yourself divorced, with a family to support.  Any of those things could happen.”

          I saw the wisdom in this advice.  “The List” was born—‘Things I want to  achieve before I know that I’m ready to get married’ list.  There three primary ones—but they had no specific priority.  

1.        Live on your own.  This means to have the practical experience of:

• How to be financially responsible
• Acquire the confidence to own and maintain a car;
• Dealing with landlords regarding home repairs
• Learning to make due with the resources that I have
• Manage my time

2.     Write a book. 

3.     Visit England

 

In January 1977 I began studying at the School of the Ozarks (now College of the Ozarks) in Branson, Missouri.  By December 1977 I knew that it was pointless to stay in college any longer;  I had no idea as to what area of study in which I wanted a degree.  Over the Thanksgiving break I discussed the issue with Mom and Dad. We all decided that I should join the military.  

The insurance company weight charts (that have ruined many a life by their unscientific conclusions and unrealistic standards) put paid to that.  At five-foot, three-inches tall, the accepted weight chart declared that the perfect weight to be met was 115 pounds/52kgs.  A healthy weight to suit my build and body type would have been about 135 pounds/61 kgs.  But the military are adamant about meeting standards and there was no way I was going to reduce my weight to 115 lbs/52kgs without falling ill.

Through prayer and knocking on doors, I found my way into barber college.  It took me nine months to get my apprentice barber’s license.  A year later I earned my master barber’s license.  This gave me a skill I could use to earn money anywhere I went.  It is a skill that has served me well over the years.

 I had depended on my skills and ability to work to earn a living.  I was thankful for the talents God had blessed me with.  When I went to Youth With A Mission DTS, I had saved up the part of the money to pay for it.  It was supplemented well by my home church.  

Each day we had spare time and I’d brought my haircutting equipment.  It provided a way for me to earn money to pay for the use of the washing machines, buy the occasional chocolate and other personal items I needed. 

In 1995 I was accepted onto Staff with YWAM, University of the Nations/School of Writing (SOW).  The facilities were in Texas, and I could not work as a professional barber unless I passed a Texas state exam.  Being on school staff meant there was not time to work a second job.  

My home church was just beginning to understand and support foreign missions and missionaries.  But the structure of that support was based on cell groups adopting missionaries who had been a part of the group prior to leaving for service.  

I had a few supporters who were not a part of my home church.  But the amount I needed was more than those who had pledged to help me.

In the months leading up to the School of Writing, the other staff and I worked in the office preparing for and recruiting students.  One Monday morning I’d gone into town to collect the post for the SOW office.  My staff fees and rent were coming up and I was hoping to receive a support cheque from my home church.  I didn’t want to become indebted to the base or my landlady.   There were no support cheques in the post—not from church and not from any of my other supporters.  The savings in my bank account had been used up.  I felt I was in dire straits.  

Emotional turmoil pressed me into seeking a hiding place.  Once in the bathroom, I sat with tears rolling down my cheeks.  

“God, I don’t understand.  Why aren’t I getting any financial support from my home church.  I’m trying not to be hurt.”

“Too late for that.”  The Father’s voice whispered.  

To get beyond the pain, I needed to acknowledge it, press into it and then forgive the ones I felt had let me down.  In those moments, I realised that I was looking to the church to meet my needs.  After all, they were my spiritual family.  

Unfortunately, relationships bring with them expectations.  My expectation of receiving financial support was not met.  I needed to forgive them for not meeting my expectations.  More than that, I needed to realise that by putting my expectation on people, I was not putting my expectation in the correct place—which was my trustworthy Heavenly Father.  

The following Sunday, the Holy Spirit awakened to my mind and heart that I had been proud of being able to work to earn money.  Hidden in my heart was the sin of self-sufficiency and pride.

When I had come the Texas, the Lord had made it clear to me that I was not to go looking for employment—even part-time employment to meet my needs.  I had answered the call to work with YWAM.  

The talent and skills that God had given to me were to bless others—not necessarily to meet my financial needs.  I needed to repent of smugness and prideful self-sufficiency in order to obtain grace. 

I had been led into a financial wilderness in order for my heart motivations, wrongful expectations and self-righteousness to be exposed.  And God was proving my faith.

          When a baker allows bread to prove, the yeast causes the bread to increase.  But for the bread to be really good, the bread needs to be “knocked-back” and allowed to rise again. 

          The Lover of my Soul had allowed the ‘first rising’ of my faith to be flattened.  I needed to be free from the misdirected hope in myself and other people.  In the days that followed, I meditated upon the faithfulness of God, the promises of His word and gave thanks for all His provision in the past.  Eventually I was blessed with other partners who were not a part of my church family.  And several misunderstandings were straightened out so that my church family were able to help provide resources.

          It was good for me to experience life on my own and facing the daily practical acts of paying rent, grocery shopping, balancing a cheque book and looking after a car.  But the deeper, more needful lesson I needed to learn was a fuller, deeper trust in God as a Father who lovingly supplies. 

  

Serving Jesus, Author of our faith,

“Lady Helene”