“The
thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy, I came that they may
have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows.”
John 10:10
This morning
I actually got up about 7.30 am, instead of giving in to my habit of going back
to bed until 8.30 am or 9.00 am. I
thought about how I could use the time wisely—writing, sewing, praying. So, with a mug of hot coffee, I sat down and
turned on the computer.
Wouldn’t you
know it, I looked up and it was 11.30 am!
What happened? The temptation to
play an on-line match-three game was too strong; I allowed “The Thief” to steal
over two hours of precious time. To say
the least, I was disappointed with myself.
Each year,
New Wine Ministries hosts a Women’s Day.
(http://www.new-wine.org). This
year it was held Saturday, 27th April 2013 at Jesus House for all
the Nations near Brent Cross in London.
(http://jesushouse.org.uk).
This past
year I’ve been feeling tired, lethargic—even bereft. I recognised this empty condition, as it
seems each time I have booked to go to a retreat or ministry day, the Lord makes
sure that my emotional condition feels desperate and my spiritual condition is
hungry, thirsty, and empty. This means I
am in a perfect position of openness before Him.
Christy
Wimber, (daughter-in-law of the late John Wimber) from Yorba Linda Vineyard
Church in California spoke in the main meeting.
Christy spoke on trusting God in the midst of transition. Transition times can be and often are difficult
times, painful, uncomfortable and sometimes desperate. Facing change is a perfect opportunity to
fear, because of the unknown. We wrongly
believe if we can control our situations, we will be secure. In truth, living in fear comes from not
believing and trusting God to give us everything we need.
Carrying what
we are not meant to carry can keep us from prospering in God’s will for our
lives. The burdens we unnecessarily
carry become like an overloaded rucksack, chaffing painfully as it rubs against
us. The amazing thing about the human
body is that during pain, it will shift in an attempt to alleviate the
pain. Our walk can become impaired, our
progress slowed down. If we can, we take
medication to quiet the pain. If we
ignore the problem, and just keep taking the medicine, the numbing agent
becomes less effective, and we need to take more. We get to the point we exist, but don’t truly
live.
For me, the
New Wine Women’s Day was a day for me to stop, take off the rucksack and ask
God what was in it that I needed to lay aside.
Christine
sensed that many ladies were numbing themselves—with alcohol, or food, or other
avoidance behaviours. She invited the
women who had been numbing their emotions and minds to come to the front for
prayer. Suddenly I knew that wasting hours
playing on-line games was a mind-numbing behaviour. So, up I went forward—ignoring Satan’s jibe; “What
will the ladies with you think?”. “They
love me—shut up and go away.” I told him.
What was I
trying to carry? My heart was breaking—thinking
about my Mom and sister. Before I was
married, Mom was “The Person to Whom I Belonged.” I am grieving that I can no longer just ring
her up and chat. I am sad that the full
responsibility of caring for Mom falls on my sister, who has her own set of
medical problems. As I was being prayed
for, the Lord spoke; “Your Mom is not suffering, she isn’t uncomfortable. Her times are in My hands.”
Since I was
about thirteen years old, I have aspired to be a writer. On Saturday, 27th April I realised
the bereft feeling in my heart was tied to my desire for Mom to know I had
succeeded. But now that I couldn’t show
her and share with her any accomplished goals, I was subconsciously questioning
why I should continue to pursue the goal.
Therefore motivation to write was being hindered.
Equally, I
was tying my sense of identity to my Mom.
It hurts to not have her available mentally, physically, and
spiritually. To watch endless hours of
television, play games on-line or on my desk-top, over-eat and not take care of
myself was trying to avoid the pain of not being able to control my Mom’s and
Sister’s situation. Satan loves to taunt
me with wicked thoughts—“You should be able to do more;” “What’s going to happen
to Sissy when Mom is gone?”; “Just give up—it’s took late for you to make your
Mom proud.”
The prayer
(on the 27th) was soothing—the Father pulling me close, letting me
know that Mom and Sissy are in His loving care.
The truth is, my identity needs to be solely and solidly established as
being His child; His Beloved, the Apple of His eye. My motivation to write is not out of love for
my mom, not out of love for writing, not out of trying to prove my worth. My motivation to write needs to be based on
obedience in response to His great love for me.
So what was
this morning’s episode all about? It was
a tactic of Satan to distract me. Maybe,
if I panicked after realising just how much time was gone, I would give up the
idea of spending time in prayer, decide to simply sew instead of writing a blog
entry. Maybe I would just give up the
idea of working on any other projects and just watch television all day— waste
time, just exist.
Instead, I
asked the Father to forgive me. I
determined to write a blog entry. And I
promised myself no more games today. I want
to make that transition from “Mommy’s Girl” to “Abba’s Girl”.
Serving Jesus,
Author of our faith,
“Lady Helene”
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